Coffee Around Our Peculiar Planet
In the beginning, humans discovered they could eat things that weren’t trying to eat them back. This led to agriculture, which led to civilization, which led to morning meetings, which inevitably led to coffee.
The discovery of coffee stands as one of humanity’s few genuinely brilliant moves, ranking somewhere between “figuring out how to make bread” and “inventing indoor plumbing.” It certainly beat that dark period of history where everyone was drinking suspicious water and dying of cholera.
For the blissfully uninitiated, coffee is a beverage made from roasted seeds of cherry-like fruits, which humans discovered could be consumed to achieve a state of consciousness somewhere between “pre-verbal cave painting” and “ready to solve quantum physics.” The fact that humans discovered this by watching overly energetic goats in Ethiopia is just one of those delightful quirks of evolution that makes you wonder if the universe has a particularly peculiar sense of humor and does this prove the existance of God?
Ethiopia: Where It All Began (No, Really, We Have Documentation)
Speaking of Ethiopia, we simply must start there, not just because it’s the birthplace of coffee, but because our esteemed blog commissioner has specifically requested it, and who are we to argue with someone who clearly has impeccable taste?
The story goes that around the 9th century, a goatherd named Kaldi noticed his goats acting particularly frisky after eating certain berries. Instead of sensibly assuming these were poison berries and keeping his goats away from them, he decided to try them himself. This is the kind of decision-making that either ends up in history books or obituaries, and fortunately for all of us, it was the former.
Ethiopian coffee, particularly from the Yirgacheffe region, has notes of bergamot, blueberry, and jasmine that make other coffees taste like they’re not really trying. It’s as if the coffee beans decided to attend a finishing school for flavors and graduated with honors. The traditional Ethiopian coffee ceremony, which can take hours, involves roasting the beans fresh, grinding them by hand, and brewing them in a clay pot called a jebena. It’s like a tea ceremony, but with more caffeine and less sitting quietly.
Recommended Ethiopian coffee beans.
Yemen: The First Coffee Empire (Before It Was Cool)
If Ethiopia is coffee’s birthplace, Yemen is its first finishing school. In the 15th century, Yemeni Sufi monks began cultivating coffee for the first time, presumably because staying up all night whirling required significant caffeination. They called it “qahwa,” which evolved into “coffee” after passing through various languages like a game of telephone.
Yemeni coffee, particularly from the Mocha region (yes, that Mocha), was so good that for centuries they maintained a complete monopoly on coffee production. They went so far as to boil all beans before export to prevent anyone else from growing them. This is either brilliant business strategy or the actions of history’s most caffeinated control freaks, depending on your perspective.
Recommended coffee beans from Yemen
Brazil: The “Go Big or Go Home” Approach to Coffee
In 1727, Brazil decided to get into the coffee game, and like everything Brazil does, they did it with spectacular flair. A Brazilian military officer named Francisco de Melo Palheta was sent to French Guiana to “resolve a border dispute,” which apparently involved seducing the governor’s wife into giving him coffee seedlings hidden in a bouquet of flowers. This might be the only time in history where romantic subterfuge led to an agricultural empire.
Today, Brazil produces about one-third of the world’s coffee, which means we need to thanks Brazil for one-third of the world’s morning functionality. Brazilian Santos coffee is like the reliable friend who might not be the most exciting person at the party but will definitely help you move apartments and remember your birthday.
Recommended coffee beans from Brazil
Colombia: Juan Valdez and His Marketing Genius
Colombia’s coffee history begins in the early 18th century when Jesuit priests brought coffee plants as a form of penance for sinners. “Say ten Hail Marys and plant these coffee trees” might seem like an odd form of absolution, but it certainly worked out well for everyone’s morning routines.
Colombian coffee became truly famous thanks to Juan Valdez and his mule Conchita, who might be the most successful fictional advertising characters this side of the Marlboro Man, but with significantly fewer health warnings. The character was created in 1958 to represent the Colombian coffee farmers, and somehow a man with a mustache and a mule became one of the most recognized brand symbols in the world, proving that sometimes the simplest marketing is the best marketing.
Recommended coffee beans from Colombia
Indonesia: Coffee So Good, It Survived Being Eaten by Civets
Indonesian coffee history begins with the Dutch East India Company, which, like most colonial enterprises, involved a lot of people doing questionable things in the name of profit. They brought coffee plants to Indonesia in the late 17th century, and today Indonesia is the world’s fourth-largest coffee producer.
But let’s talk about Kopi Luwak, shall we? This is coffee that has been eaten and partially digested by Asian palm civets, small cat-like creatures who apparently have very expensive taste in coffee cherries. Someone, somewhere, looked at civet droppings containing coffee beans and thought, “You know what? I bet that would make a great cup of coffee.” This person was either a genius or severely caffeine-deprived, but they weren’t wrong. Kopi Luwak is one of the most expensive coffees in the world, proving that sometimes the best things in life come from really weird places.
Recommended Indonesian coffee beans
Jamaica: Blue Mountain Coffee (For When Money Is No Object)
Jamaica’s Blue Mountain Coffee is like the Bentley of the coffee world – expensive, exclusive, and somehow worth it. The coffee plants arrived in Jamaica in 1728, when the governor of Martinique gave a coffee plant to the governor of Jamaica as a gift, proving that even in the 18th century, regifting was socially acceptable.
Blue Mountain Coffee is grown at elevations between 3,000 and 5,500 feet in the Blue Mountains of Jamaica, where the combination of cool air, high rainfall, and rich soil creates perfect growing conditions. The beans are hand-picked, meticulously sorted, and exported primarily to Japan, where they apparently appreciate expensive coffee even more than the rest of us.
Best Jamaica’s Blue Mountain Coffee beans
Vietnam: The Surprise Coffee Superstar
Vietnam’s entry into the coffee world is relatively recent, but they’ve made up for lost time with enthusiasm. The French introduced coffee to Vietnam in the 1850s, presumably because colonialism without decent coffee would have been unbearable.
Today, Vietnam is the world’s second-largest coffee producer, specializing in Robusta beans that pack roughly twice the caffeine punch of Arabica. Their signature drink is cà phê sữa đá, or Vietnamese iced coffee, made with condensed milk because apparently regular milk wasn’t sweet enough. It’s like a dessert and a caffeine delivery system had a beautiful baby.
My Recommended Vietnamese Coffee
Costa Rica: Where Coffee Is Literally Golden
Costa Rica was one of the first Central American countries to develop a coffee industry, and they did it with style. In the late 18th century, the government actually gave away free coffee plants to encourage cultivation. This is like your government sending you a stimulus check, but instead of money, you get the means to create a thriving agricultural export.
Costa Rican coffee is known as “grano de oro” or “golden bean” because it literally helped build the country’s economy. The National Theatre in San Jose was built with coffee money, which means somewhere there’s an opera house that exists because people needed their morning fix.
Recommended Costa Rican Coffee
Kenya: Coffee So Good, They Created Their Own Grading System
Kenya’s coffee history is relatively recent, beginning in the early 20th century. However, they’ve more than made up for their late start by producing some of the most distinctive and carefully graded coffee in the world. Kenyan coffee is graded on a scale from E (for Elephant, because why not?) to T (for… well, nobody really talks about T grade).
Kenyan AA coffee, grown at elevations above 6,600 feet, is known for its wine-like acidity and fruity notes. It’s like someone took all the best parts of a wine tasting and put them in your morning coffee, minus the pretentious sniffing and swirling (although nobody’s stopping you if that’s your thing).
My recommended Keynan Coffee
India: Where Coffee Meets Monsoons
India’s coffee history begins with a spiritual smuggler named Baba Budan, who sneaked seven coffee beans out of Yemen in the 16th century by strapping them to his belly. This is either dedication to coffee or the world’s most caffeinated pilgrimage, but either way, we’re grateful.
But the really intereshttps://amzn.to/3B6mB9Wting part of Indian coffee is Monsoon Malabar. These beans are exposed to monsoon winds for months, causing them to swell and change color, resulting in a unique flavor profile. It’s like letting Mother Nature age your coffee like a fine wine, except with more humidity and fewer wine critics.
Highly Recommended Indian Coffee
Hawaii: Because Paradise Needed Coffee Too
Coffee came to Hawaii in 1825, and like everything else in Hawaii, it’s more expensive than it needs to be but somehow still worth it. Kona coffee, grown on the slopes of Hualalai and Mauna Loa on the Big Island, is protected by law like French Champagne, which means if someone tries to sell you Kona coffee for suspiciously cheap, it’s probably about as authentic as a plastic lei.
The volcanic soil and perfect climate create ideal growing conditions, proving that sometimes paradise can be improved upon, especially if that improvement involves caffeine.
My favorite Hawaian coffee brand
A Note on Preparation Methods (Or: How Not to Ruin Perfectly Good Beans)
Now that we’ve traveled the world in search of the perfect bean, it would be remiss not to mention the various ways humans have devised to prepare coffee, ranging from the sublime to the ridiculous:
- Turkish Coffee: A method that involves boiling finely ground coffee in a special pot called a cezve, resulting in a drink that’s part coffee, part divination tool (yes, people read the grounds).
- Italian Espresso: Because sometimes you need your caffeine injection to be quick, concentrated, and accompanied by judgy looks from a barista. I use a Breville the Barista Express Espresso Machine got in on black friday from Amazon.
- French Press: For when you want to feel sophisticated but don’t want to spend too much money on equipment.
- Pour Over: The method preferred by coffee snobs worldwide, involving precise temperature control, special filters, and usually a beard.
- Cold Brew: Because sometimes you want your coffee to take 12-24 hours to prepare, just to prove how patient you are.
In Conclusion: A Love Letter to Ethiopian Coffee
And now, as promised, a special endorsement of Ethiopian coffee, because our blog commissioner has excellent taste and because it really is that good.
Ethiopian coffee isn’t just coffee; it’s a time machine in a cup, taking you back to where it all began. Every sip of properly prepared Ethiopian Yirgacheffe is like a master class in what coffee should be – complex, floral, fruity, and somehow both delicate and bold at the same time. It’s the coffee equivalent of a Shakespeare sonnet: both simple and profound, accessible yet complex, and somehow still relevant after all these years.
The Ethiopian coffee ceremony, which can last for hours, is a reminder that sometimes the best things in life shouldn’t be rushed. In a world of instant gratification and single-serve coffee pods, it’s a beautiful anachronism, like finding a handwritten letter in your email inbox.
So here’s to Ethiopian coffee, the original, the best, the coffee that started it all. May your cups be full, your grinders always sharp, and your water always the perfect temperature. And remember, in the grand scheme of things, in this vast universe of infinite possibilities, we’re incredibly lucky to live in a world where coffee exists at all.
Just don’t forget your towel.
Note: This guide to coffee was written under the influence of several cups of Ethiopian Yirgacheffe, two espressos, and a cold brew. Any resulting hyperbole, excessive enthusiasm, or Douglas Adams-style humor can be blamed entirely on caffeine-induced inspiration.
About the Author: This blog post was written by Kevin B Leigh who believes that coffee is one of the fundamental forces holding the universe together, right alongside gravity and honey bees. He takes his coffee seriously, but everything else with a grain of salt (althought, did you know that sub captains take their coffee black with a pinch of salt?).
